Growing Up. (even if we don't want too)

Knockout.

         I am eighteen years old. I can vote. I can buy more than one R-rated movie ticket. I can even go to confinement.

I remember counting down for this day ever since I was a child. “When I turn eighteen I wont have to listen you guys anymore. I will be independent. I will be able to take care of myself.” Wow, was I wrong. I know I need my parents more than anything in the world now. They are my food supply, my shelter, even my rock.

         I go to my mom for everything, boy trouble, friend trouble, even if I just want to goof off and try to laugh. My mom is the one I call when I need something taken care of at school, when I certain person is being a jerk, and I need her to email them and set them straight to leave me alone. You never know how much you need someone until they are almost taken away from you.

         Now that I am eighteen, I realize that I have responsibilities. I need to get a job, to save money for college next year. Scared to leave my family, I know that I need to show them that I can do it anyways, that I can do anything that I set my mind to.

"cowgirls dont cry"

         I was so excited to get my tattoo, thinking about what I want to over a year, knowing at that point I was getting it for my dad. As I sat there, I pictured my father sitting in front of me, saying, “You big baby, you can do this. This aint nothing, you got all those piercing why cant you handle this little tattoo. I did it why cant you?” Right then and there I wanted to burst into tears but I held

it back, I have to stay strong, and don’t show weakness, crying is unacceptable.

         I want to be able to forgive him. I’m an adult now. But I know that I cant do that, he hurt me to much as a child. With my bags packed at the door waiting on him and him never showing up. There’s no way now that I can forgive him. From the stories that my mom has told me, him beating her and everything, I cant do it.  With him hiding drugs in my bag, having me carried out by cops when I was seven, on my birthday. I cannot forgive him. 

         As my senior year is getting shorter and shorter, I think about everything that I haven’t accomplished yet. Things like, getting on the honor roll, being in a play(doing makeup), things like that. Its amazing how fast life goes when you think about it.

         I know that I wouldn’t change my life in anyway. I love the way it  is right now. Yes I do wish the ones that I have lost were with me right now. But I guess there is nothing that I can do about it.

Thank You.

            There’s nothing harder then to go into a pre-made family. Three men in my life have done that, my brother, my dad Jeff, and Fred.

            Knowing that Fred didn’t even want to have kids, he treats us like we are his own. He’d do anything for us, no matter what it is. He came into my life when I was 11, didn’t really want him there but I really didn’t have a choice. Now I am glad that he did. Yes he still doesn’t want kids of his own because he now has us, and Leroy.  I am really grateful for having him in my life. It would be crappy without him; I’d probably be living on the streets without him

            Jeff, came into my life when I was 6 months old. For the longest time I thought that he was my dad, the only one I knew anyways. He came to us, knowing mom had two kids, but didn’t care. He treated us, better then my biological sperm donor did. Yes he wanted to have kids of his own, but he was happy with what he had. Then Cassidy came along, and he still acted like we were his.

            At the age of 19, my brother met Meghan, didn’t know that she was pregnant at the time; he went on a date with her. She told him that she was 3 months pregnant, and all he said was.. Ok. And?  He treats that baby as his own. He is following in the footsteps of Jeff. He knows that he didn’t have to do it, but he wanted to. He knew that the father wouldn’t be in that baby’s life. And he cared that much to take over.

            I’m so grateful for these men in my life. Yes one is gone but he will always be my daddy, my brother stepping up to the plate, and growing up, and Fred, taking over as a father when we didn’t have one. I don’t know how to thank them. But I know that I will forever love them.

Over Before it Began.

Just think about it. Not being able to play that one sport that you love. Knowing that you’re season was over before it even began. Right now, since basketball has begun, I sit there. I sit there wondering, why, why you did this to me? Why would you hit somewhere that you know is already a terrible area for me? Knowing that she knows that she hurt me, just so she could get that spot. I know, its life, but I hate the fact that she doesn’t even care. I will not say the name of the girl who hurt me, that would just be wicked. As I sit there and watch you practice, it makes me want to play even more, but knowing that I can’t makes me feel like crap. Honestly, why would you do something like that to a teammate? There are some reasons that I can think of, one being oh I want her spot so I will do whatever it takes to get it, or another could be, Wow she knocked me down so why shouldn’t I get her back. I do not know what was going through her mind, but I surely did not like it. The only thing that I want more than anything is to play, even though the doctor said I could not. Senior year, and not being able to play the sport I love just really blows. There is nothing that I can do but sit there, and watch, that is not what I wanted to be doing this season.

Forever Gone

         The last time that I saw his face was may 6^th 2009, the last time I heard his voice was the next night. I never thought that it would be my very last.  

the small man in the top left is my dad. when he was younger.

         I remember waking up may 7^th 2009, wondering why someone was banging on my front door. I walked down stair, very sleepily, and saw who it was.  It was Jeremy Feldman, a volunteer firefighter. I was still really confused.  Ma, went to the door freaking out because my brother had just left.

         Jeremy had the WORSE news that anyone could give our family. He told us that my father had been in an accident, and had been killed.

         I just remember, “Your father told me that if anything happened to him, that I was to be the first person to tell you,” he said.

         I remember hearing a scream from the kitchen, and my sister falling to the floor, all I could do was hold her, and try to get her to stop screaming. There is nothing like sitting there holding the person that you love, while she is screaming without breathing because she lost her dad.

         Jeff may have only been my stepfather, but he treated me like his own. He was born May 3^, 1969, in California. He was an avid bull rider, hunter, and fisherman. He cared about the people around him, including his dogs.

         He cared about my sister, brother and I, not knowing how things were going to turn out before he died. I remember all the stories that he told me about his deployment to Germany for the Army, his bull riding experience, and all his fishing trips.

         I never thought that he would be gone before I was married, he was supposed to be there for me when I needed him most, through thick and thin, forever and always, he was my daddy-o.

         Going to his funeral, was the worse day in my life.  Right then and there I saw him, he was gone, gone from all the horror of the world, gone from all the hate and sickness.  He would never be coming back.

         Sitting there, hearing the songs that we picked out for him, Cow-girls Don’t Cry, American Soldier, Copenhagen Angel, and Country boys Can Survive, I remember people telling me, that everyone heard those songs and lost it.

         The flag ceremony, and the shooting of the guns at the burial sight, I don’t remember much, because I was bawling with my mom.

in the back. at the top on the left is my dad.

         Watching them hand the flag to my sister, made me lose it even more, after it was all said and done, I walked over to my sister and held her, and told her “I will always be here for you, no matter what. We may fight and bicker, but you are my sister. I love you, forever and always.”

          I am a senior now, and he is gone. He’s not going to be there for me when I graduate, or even when I turn eighteen, never again will I see him.

         Even though he can’t hear me, I want him to know I love him, and miss him. He will forever be my Daddy.

That Thing Called..... HOMECOMING

Last week was homecoming. Wow! What a week! All sorts of fun festivities to do. Think about it. I am a SENIOR, the head honcho of the school. We should have enjoyed that week.

SENIORS
left to right
Andrea, Sam, Lauren, Jenna, and Stormi

            So much stuff happened, we had cowboy day, superhero day, think pink day (which consisted of powder-puff and the grudge match), duct tape day, and then spirit day. All the days were great, looking at all the kids that you would think that wouldn’t dress up, actually dressed up. Coming out of their comfort zone and everything.

powderpuff '10

            Oh boy! The Powder-puff and Grudge match were great! I loved watching the boys try and play volleyball; most of them were tall enough they didn’t have to jump to spike it, but then you had to lonely freshman that could barely get it over the net. I participated in the Powder-puff game, it was a blast, yeah we lost but who cares. There’s nothing like having to be on crutches after wards. (So like I said in one of my earlier blog, hoping that I wouldn’t get hurt so I could play basketball, its kind of out of the picture now)

            I’m proud of my friends that made the homecoming court and I am super proud of Sam and Marcus that got king and queen, they deserved it.

Homecoming game.
from left to right.
Meg, Stormi, Caitlyn, Lauren, (homecoming queen) Sam, Jenna. 

homecoming dance. :)
from left: Derrick, Kaitlyn, Stormi, And James

            Football, is kind of hard to understand, yes, but when you have the SUPER FAN telling you what’s going on, makes it a heck of a lot better. We won our game against Elk-Horn Kimbleton Exira, (to bad I don’t remember the score.)

            I’m glad that I am not going to far away from Van Meter School, for college, I will be coming back to watch all the fun next year!

TODAY

            Today it is hard to decide what to write about. I find myself distracted by new things. I want to go out and experience life instead of sitting in front of my computer writing about it. Life can be short so I feel the need to live it to the fullest. Now the next step is to decide how to do it. What do I want to do? That is the question that is running through my head constantly.

            Think about it, there are things out there in the world that I haven’t experienced. Not only because I am only 17 but also because health, money, and unplanned life events. 

            The unplanned events so far that have happened in my life right now; well, I am currently on crutches because of the powder-puff game. I’ve been sitting here waiting for my MRI results. Not knowing if I can play basketball or not is really killing me.

            When I was younger I really wished that I could experience a lot of things. Such as, going to the movies with my mom and dad, going out to eat, hanging out with friends and such things. My family hit a bump in the road, when my mom was divorced; she became a single parent of three, which is hard to do when we need all the things to survive.

            Three years ago, I gave up every sport, just because I knew I had to stay home with my mom to make sure she was safe from all the toxins in her body. She was diagnosed with lymphoma, which changed my way of looking on the world. All that I can think about is, not knowing that I am going to be getting this disease or not.

            I hate how life is so unpredictable, even though that’s what makes life interesting. 

over my head.

I am seventeen years old; I shouldn’t have to be worried about all the things around me. I should be worried about if I got my homework done or what I am going to wear tomorrow to school, not if my parents are going to fight tonight or if I am going to have food in the house. I definitely shouldn’t worry if I will get a phone call from the jail to tell me that my father is there again.

            I just want to be a normal teenager, play sports, hang out with friends, and go to school. I hate the fact that I never know what is going to happen next. I wish that all my worries would go away, and I could go back to being myself.

             I truthfully wish that I could help my mom out, she does everything she can for us, and we do nothing in return.  I know she that she is trying to stay tough for her family, but I know deep down inside she desires help she needs help. I just wish that I could do something, and that my sister would do something.

            Since I’ve told Larry (my dad) that I never wanted to see him again, he’s went back to his brainless ways. Ever since I could remember he was never there, he was always in and out of prison, not being there for my brother and I.  I’m not saying that I want to see him again or talk to him again, but I want him to be there for my brother when he needs him.  Maybe giving him a second chance will help him turn around and go back to being sober and clean.

            I’m very upset with myself that I can’t help my mom, that my father is pretty much a low life bum. There’s not much that I can do to help but I will surely try to do everything in my power to help.

Senior Year Already???

At the dam in Adel.
(pictures by Heather)

   

WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF MY SENIOR YEAR, AND FUTURE YEARS TO COME?

It’s amazing to think that I am a senior now. My mom seems to believe that I am still the little girl that wants to go play on the playground and would cry when she skinned her knee. Sorry Mom, I am not that girl. I’ve grown up, and now I am looking into the future, thinking about everything that I want to accomplish.

Thinking about graduation already and being part of the Class of 2011, worries me. What am I going to do after school? Where am I going to go? Where will I end up? Right now I know I want to go to T-Spa, in Ames. I know that I have to have the right grades, and the right attitude to be able to attend T-Spa.
My goal for academics this year is to have good grades, to get the scholarship. However, then there is basketball and softball, a totally different side of what I want out of my senior year. For basketball, I just want to be able to do my best and stay healthy, and not have to worry about what my body is going to not want me to do. Then, there is softball, one of my favorite sports. I know that I want to continue to have the best batting average, and base running on the Varsity squad.

I just hope that my senior year goes better then the years in the past. I don’t want a repeat of what happened in sports last year. I am very proud to be apart of the class of 2011.