Growing Up. (even if we don't want too)

Knockout.

         I am eighteen years old. I can vote. I can buy more than one R-rated movie ticket. I can even go to confinement.

I remember counting down for this day ever since I was a child. “When I turn eighteen I wont have to listen you guys anymore. I will be independent. I will be able to take care of myself.” Wow, was I wrong. I know I need my parents more than anything in the world now. They are my food supply, my shelter, even my rock.

         I go to my mom for everything, boy trouble, friend trouble, even if I just want to goof off and try to laugh. My mom is the one I call when I need something taken care of at school, when I certain person is being a jerk, and I need her to email them and set them straight to leave me alone. You never know how much you need someone until they are almost taken away from you.

         Now that I am eighteen, I realize that I have responsibilities. I need to get a job, to save money for college next year. Scared to leave my family, I know that I need to show them that I can do it anyways, that I can do anything that I set my mind to.

"cowgirls dont cry"

         I was so excited to get my tattoo, thinking about what I want to over a year, knowing at that point I was getting it for my dad. As I sat there, I pictured my father sitting in front of me, saying, “You big baby, you can do this. This aint nothing, you got all those piercing why cant you handle this little tattoo. I did it why cant you?” Right then and there I wanted to burst into tears but I held

it back, I have to stay strong, and don’t show weakness, crying is unacceptable.

         I want to be able to forgive him. I’m an adult now. But I know that I cant do that, he hurt me to much as a child. With my bags packed at the door waiting on him and him never showing up. There’s no way now that I can forgive him. From the stories that my mom has told me, him beating her and everything, I cant do it.  With him hiding drugs in my bag, having me carried out by cops when I was seven, on my birthday. I cannot forgive him. 

         As my senior year is getting shorter and shorter, I think about everything that I haven’t accomplished yet. Things like, getting on the honor roll, being in a play(doing makeup), things like that. Its amazing how fast life goes when you think about it.

         I know that I wouldn’t change my life in anyway. I love the way it  is right now. Yes I do wish the ones that I have lost were with me right now. But I guess there is nothing that I can do about it.

Thank You.

            There’s nothing harder then to go into a pre-made family. Three men in my life have done that, my brother, my dad Jeff, and Fred.

            Knowing that Fred didn’t even want to have kids, he treats us like we are his own. He’d do anything for us, no matter what it is. He came into my life when I was 11, didn’t really want him there but I really didn’t have a choice. Now I am glad that he did. Yes he still doesn’t want kids of his own because he now has us, and Leroy.  I am really grateful for having him in my life. It would be crappy without him; I’d probably be living on the streets without him

            Jeff, came into my life when I was 6 months old. For the longest time I thought that he was my dad, the only one I knew anyways. He came to us, knowing mom had two kids, but didn’t care. He treated us, better then my biological sperm donor did. Yes he wanted to have kids of his own, but he was happy with what he had. Then Cassidy came along, and he still acted like we were his.

            At the age of 19, my brother met Meghan, didn’t know that she was pregnant at the time; he went on a date with her. She told him that she was 3 months pregnant, and all he said was.. Ok. And?  He treats that baby as his own. He is following in the footsteps of Jeff. He knows that he didn’t have to do it, but he wanted to. He knew that the father wouldn’t be in that baby’s life. And he cared that much to take over.

            I’m so grateful for these men in my life. Yes one is gone but he will always be my daddy, my brother stepping up to the plate, and growing up, and Fred, taking over as a father when we didn’t have one. I don’t know how to thank them. But I know that I will forever love them.